flesh and blood i made...

unstable emotion

2010-03-07T04:13:00.000-08:00

"i felt guilty to many people-for they did not do anything wrong-but they were the one who get to be punished"

blurry days...

2009-09-09T01:39:00.000-07:00

its ramadhan 19th. at least it is. i lost count of days lately. and i almost lose this blog (i'm not good in remembering both my id and password, no matter how i try, i still can't manage to have same password for all internet account that i have).

but thanks to fasting, i guess most of my senses became more sensitive and remembering my password was not that difficult. but to write again is. i have no topic. and as i am writing this down, i was thinking on writing about hari raya bonus for all govt. servant but i'd rather not. i just dont want to get disappointed. tomorrow is a salary day and let it be surprise for me. i've been digging the internet for some information about the bonus and i have not get any bad news. i wonder if the trutch can be sweeter than how it was being rumoured (oh god, i'm not hoping but i will be very happy if this is true).

fasting is my favorite thing and ramadhan is my favorite month. at least it is to compare with hari raya. to me, hari raya is like a finishing for most of the thing that i did for the whole year. it's the time to be broke, to be debted and to be fat. but nevertheless, it is also a good month cause forgiveness comes easily at this time to compare with other months. well as i am saying this, i personally think that there are some special things that god blessed us with in certain months. i alwasy think that a month before ramadhan, (syaaban i think) death is everywhere and heard everyday, i mean referring to death of people we know. i promise i will look into this (special event promotion every month, as told and believed by muslims)

2 hours ago, Ai came and cried to me (literally) for what has been done by our old time fav FRIEND(oh i wish i can talk dirtier). i calm her down and i told her that this is a test for people whom chosen by god. god delivers test through satan and bithces like her and "nasi ayam" is just a medium for the fight. Ai, u hanging on there and i will always be there with you to hate that PERSON. it's ramadhan and it's a celebration for drama. all the hunger and the restraints just either make us to be angel or satan alike. and the best thing is, the choice is all yours and u know what is funny? u are your own satan this time...

i still can't figure out what was i writing...

And the light awaits you at the end of every tunnel...tough-tough

2009-05-28T04:36:00.001-07:00

We are trying to find reasons to stay longer here

2009-05-27T10:04:00.001-07:00

My i-poyo trial

2009-05-27T10:01:00.001-07:00

My first post from my new phone (i-poyo). I'm using this shozu stuff. Come in handy i guess.

My ordinary evening scene

2009-05-27T09:56:00.001-07:00

A school that made today me...

2009-05-27T07:01:00.000-07:00

I recently involved in the project of reuniting my schoolmates. One day I got a call from a very long lost friend, Ejen (He is among my schoolmates that I’ve longed to see). He told me that he googled me (and suddenly I felt like I was big for once) From that moment we somehow get into connection with each others.

I thank god for this. It is like walking down on the memory lane. They keep on posting stories and uploading old photos. Looking at the photos, I became conscious about how I was made. It makes me wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Honestly, I don’t actually recall how school was back then. It is like haze in the garden, vague but beautiful. There were nice teachers, Miss Zarina, Miss Mislinah, Cikgu Muslimah, Ustazah Ngesah, our principal, Cikgu Zaki, and many more (I seriously wanted to put all names but I thought it is ok with those who gave big impacts to my schooling). They made me in becoming who I am today (I am practically crying writing this down).

They were also friends like Halim (Mr. Math), Ejen (my good friend who gave my many advices), Zainal and Ardi who still in touch, The Gossip Girls, Liza, Asmah and Linda, Zana my creative partner (we love to write beautifully) and many more geniuses that I just want to put their names but my brain is just too old to remember. I just can’t imagine that I used to be in that school. It was so small and unknown. SAMUSKD (Sekolah Agama Menengah Unwanus Saadah Kanchong Darat), a school that is too small that you can’t imagine it capable of creating you.

Thank you SAMUSKD...Thank you teachers and thank you friends for memories.

And that is why i look high at writers...

2009-05-26T09:11:00.000-07:00

Some people can write out of wind. I can’t obviously. I finally know how hard it is to write when nothing special is happening in my life. I must make sure that I will not die from boredom. Or else, I will only give this everyday:

Am I easily got carried away...?

I don’t remember doing anything memorable today. It was a busy-busy day. But apart from a fully loaded with PTK stuffs day, I was also worried about Haf’s condition, which unfortunately he was diagnosed to have an injured liver and iannternal bleeding in his stomach. I did mention that he is not an important character but I have this over-empathy symptom inside me. I just can’t be too near with people in pain or in trouble. They tend to smother my head with all their feelings. I can’t help myself but to call Zhr all day so he can feed me on Haf’s progress (thank god the doctor said they going to delay the operation and wait to see if the liver stops bleeding).

Karaoke is the new cruising spa...

It has been weeks since our last karaoke night. I think it was the night before Al left (poor him, still has not been placed anywhere for this internship). We were so occupied with meetings and admin-shits. We decided to go to our regular karaoke station after D, bought us dinner at the hotel. Thanks to Yus for the coupon, it was the best mihun goreng since the early millennium (lucky I was in a very good mood that I didn’t bother that they put squids and prawns in my mihun). The steamboat was quite tempting too but we did not plan on having it so we thought it is better to have it next time (every table was having the steamboat, how about that?). The “jamban-karaoke” was great, and by great, I am not referring to the song offers LOL. Got what I mean? It was the people that fascinate me. I did not recall any of this scenery, but I think this town is not dead yet (it gave me reason to stay). I don’t know about others, but I always try to find good reasons to stay in this town.

Too many bloody movies

Next time I must make sure that I read any movie title carefully before watching it because when it says “The Midnight Meat Train” you should prepare your eyes to see them all, human meats. I hate movies with blood and I just don’t get the idea behind it. Many times they made me wanting to throw up. We were out of pure ghost movie last night, but the problem is we are so in need of screaming-session. We should get a load of pure ghost movies when we get back to KL next week.

I don’t want to die bored and boring others.

A Night at Hospital...

2009-05-25T10:51:00.000-07:00

We were just got back from the district hospital. On our way to pick up M, we were stunned by a news of Haf (not so important character but he is friend of M and Ap) got involved in an accident. He was brought into the emergency room from 10.00 p.m. and up until now (1.15 a.m.) he is still in there (god I hope Haf is alright and on his way to the state hospital, for whatever reason that they wanted to send him there).

I really wish that I do not have to do this. I just don't actually want to complain about stuffs that are given to us for free but for crying out loud, we are not hungry pigs. easier if we are though. Nope, decision is made and I don't want to start this up. let us go straight on what really put my head on fire just now. What really pissed me off was not actually the waiting. I was so fuming with the reality that no one had ever made any effort to come to us and tell us about what is happening inside the emergency room. Can’t they be more hospitable or at least concern about the people who were crazily lingering about what is happening on the other side of the room? If they can’t be that helpful, can’t they just let us in and see what is going on? These are the people who involved in accidents, people who are hopelessly putting their believes to other parties to help them.

FYI, the hospital if I was to say, was so free that one of the attendants could sleep on the counter. I just can’t wait anymore and we left (of course, after I knew that he was put into a safe hand).

And for fuck sake, the moment we were about to enter the car, a black maria crossed in front of us, carrying a corps, covered but we still can see the leg. We were trembling and so quiet. That totally officiated our unfortunate night. M, D, Ap, and me was so not in the mood that we did not want to talk about it at all.

However, Alhamdulillah, by the time I was finishing this post, Hal (another not so important character) the one who accompanied Haf called, and told us that they were already on their way to the state hospital. It wasn’t a bad night after all if you give it another thought.

which cookie are you?

2009-05-24T22:57:00.000-07:00

It has been a while (a very long while to be actual) since my last involvement in this so called e-diary stuffs or blogging. I used to be very active until I realized how some pleasure felt by one, can seriously maim others. A pen can be sharper than a sword. A word can be spikier than an arrow. At least, those are some of the words I learnt in my school that I can make use of it. Well I really don’t want to blame others for my wicked tongue (or fingers in this case to be precise). Let’s just say that I just can’t help it but to “talk back” (even though I never thought that I talked back enough). I gave my last page a proper burial and I am now putting it all behind. Honestly, in my opinion it was too sex-and-the-city-ish kind of thing and it is cliché and too little of life. Some found it interesting because they are hungry of things that they are not able to do. But I must value those who lived my life. Thank you for carrying it together with me.

New chapters ahead and “fleshandbloodimade” signifies my past flaws and reminds me that I can’t please everyone and myself at the same time (I can but it is going to take a great amount of energy and time and I must say it is risky). Some people can do it, but at the end of the day, they turned to something else. They are called “angelic faces”. With “demon heart” inside them, they keep on gratifying others and themselves at the same time. For fools, like I used to be, they fondly whispered to me beauty words and sweet dreams yet to be the most vindictive in the real life. I am now trying to escape from them. They are brutal masked Satan. I have to live the fact that as long as I want to tell the truth in my life, some hearts always going to get hurt and I must be alright about it. 2009 teaches me to be strong and to be cruel—I have never felt any lower in that car that day (you did not miss anything, as I am kind of preserving this to myself only)

Don’t get fooled by my first paragraph. My life is not that bad (not at all). I am doing superb. Ordinary car, not-so-expensive clothes, nice furniture, affordable gadgets, great food, friends and enemies (friends-turn-to-enemies) and I must ask, “How can I be more thankful?” My job couldn’t be greater as well. Up until today, I still can’t come out with any job as flexible (by flexible, I mean easy) as mine. I am sanctified for all these. Well, Paris Hilton might call this a simple life but of all Chihuahua’s master, she is also the most bimbo. Apart from my ceaseless creditors, I am surviving a typical-yet-adventurous life. Really! I still can’t believe that I am standing on this ground today. Fell down, climbed back on, fell for another thousand times, reaching up again and still doing it. Life is savage but sweetness appears to those passed the trial. Don’t complaint unless you have power to it. Back in SAMUSKD, My Ustazahs told me god do not test us to fail us. We failed because we gave up along the way and I don’t want to fail, until I die along the way (and I keep on praying).

How can I possibly put this easy? Yes, the same as my passion towards food and gastronomy. Metaphorically life is like baking simple yet remarkably tasty chocolate chip cookies. You don’t want it to be too sweet, too tough, and too dark. Some like it to be chewy and some like it crisps outside. Generally, it must be simple but perfect. Having the right ratio of the ingredients is like having the right proportion of here and there of life, friendship and love. This is not going to be a heavy drama writings. It is going to be fun when I am fun, and it is going to be dodgy when I get hurt. It’s about me, living the real life that involving butterflies of people. For friends, I am saying my apology now, for my future doing. Don’t worry, I won’t mention name. But I will tell the truth. This is hundredandten percent truth about our lives. About happiness and things that we accidentally do that hurt others.